AIA Reviewer wrong

So, it still irks me that a reviewer made so many mistakes and added so many spoilers.

Here's the review and my comments on his fuck ups.

Child of Chaos is an interesting book. Unfortunately, the true premise isn’t included in the book description.

Essentially, this short piece is H. P. Lovecraft fanfic or a retelling. It’s also listed as Sci-Fi which it is not. Just because a story happens in space does not make it science fiction. There is no science in this piece. It is a horror story, set on a spaceship. Even fantasy or supernatural would fit it better.

Note: Fan fiction or fanfiction (also abbreviated to fan fic, fanfic, or fic) is fiction about characters or settings from an original work of fiction, created by fans of that work rather than by its creator. It is a popular form of fan labor, particularly since the advent of the Internet. – wikipedia.

This book is NOT about Cthulhu but it does involve him.

The story is based heavily on Lovecrafts creation the Cthulhu, going so far as to take quotes directly from his work: “ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”. Without knowing The Call of Cthulhu the reader is left in the dark about much of the plot. The author has not reinvented this nor made it accessible for new audiences, instead he has relied on a reader’s prior knowledge of a story he gives no credit or nod to in the text. Concepts like “The Watcher” and characters like Cxaxukluth are thrown around with little regard as to the readers understanding.

Note: The Watcher is my story, published in 2008 under a pen name, Richard Lee:

The Last Watcher — Arkham Tales 2008 – release: issue 4 2009 link no longer works. re-released: Get it at amazon.

In Child of Chaos, we are introduced to a world where space travel is possible. A fight breaks out on a ship and siblings Jared and Laura and ejected into space in an escape pod.

(SPOILER) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The pod free floats, for some reason the navigation system is out and we later learn that they drift into “dead space,” an area where there is no life. They cannot see stars and a being from another plane has to “open a crack” for another ship in the distance to transport them out. No explanation or further detail on what dead space is or how this works is given. Again, not science fiction.

(SPOILER) -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From there, we are taken to a prison ship where many offenders are being taken to an uninhabited world. Other criminals have already been taken there and set free. They are let loose on this world with no laws, no technology and no society to build a life. Jared, Lauren and an alien life form in the body of a starfish are brought on board. Chaos ensues and a lot of people die.

For the writing, there are many issues, including extensive use of passive voice and repeated words and phrases. Were, that and had appear in every paragraph. A thorough editing is needed for this, however I didn’t see typos or profound grammar issues. It seems this was edited, but strictly for accuracy, not for style or content.

In addition, the story had significant plot issues. A few of the questions that arose were:

Jared will not eat a hamburger and believes it to be illegal. No reason as to why is given other than a throwaway line about ANZAC guidelines (also not explained). Later he eats one with relish. His change of heart is not explained.

Note: Read pg 32. Not sure of Kindle location number. Quote: He looked at the menu. “Can I try a hamburger?” “I thought you wanted healthy food.” Jared shrugged. “This is the only time I can try one.” “Go ahead,” she said. Laura knew she should have said no, but what would one hurt and it did contain vegetables. She turned her attention back of Ensign Coffee. “Sorry about that.”

Jared and Laura are supposed to meet with the commander at 1700 but NO ONE remembers this and it never happens. It’s mentioned a few times, but instead they just go to sleep. Huge plot hole.

Note: yes, I fucked up. This has been fixed.

Laura did not see the monster on the escape pod but at the end talks about how it ate through the hull and destroyed the ship. This never happened in the text.

Note: Yes it did happen. The monster ate through the hull. Read the first page FFS.

The biology of the Slithereen is never explained. Somehow every human who is infected with one single Slithereen worm is able to self replicate an unlimited number of additional Slithereens. There’s a character named “Davy Jones”. This nod to The Monkees made my eyes roll.

Note: Are you serious? The Moneys? I hate their music, anyway I was giving a nod to Davy Jones as in Davy Jones’ Locker. Quote from wikipedia: Davy Jones’ Locker, also Davy Jones’s Locker, is an idiom for the bottom of the sea: the state of death among drowned sailors and shipwrecks. End quote. Also note, that spaceships are ships, and according to Star Trek, Navy ships.

Things regularly happen without explanation. For example, when Ryker (I have to wonder if his first name was Will and if he dated a half Betazoid woman named Diana…) examines the dead starfish he scans it with a beam of white light. We are never told why, what this beam is, what information it reveals or anything else.

Note: It’s not Will Riker as the spelling is different. The white light is also explained: Ryker took it and looked inside. “It’s a starfish,” he stated. From his jumpsuit, he removed a medic-scanner and ran the bright beam of white light across the surface, reading its vitals and genetic makeup.

Laura mentions having dated girls in the past. There’s no reason for this except shock value and adds nothing to the story or her character. Plus, it’s a badly constructed sentence that took a few reads to understand. Many lines are like this and need to either be expanded or cut. rewritten.

Note: Original sentence from AU files reads: Yet none of the boys and two of the girls she had dated before, made her feel this way, this quickly.

The Slithereens are referred to as 3 of 7 and so on, this is not explained. If there are hundreds of them by possessing the crew, why at the end do they mention not having the 7 they need to bring Cthulhu

Note: Count the crew. Ryker and the Warden and three female crew members are the only ones possessed by the Slithereens. That make 5. None of the others like Demi, were infected.

Demi often says things that are out of character. Or perhaps she’s snarky in dangerous situations as a defence mechanism and her character isn’t fleshed out. She talks when she shouldn’t, obeys when she should resist, but backtalks when she should be scared. Demi was fun to write. As a matter of course, none of the characters are particularly fleshed out or three dimensional. Personal opinion. I liked these characters.

(Spoiler) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rock says “it wasn’t his job to bring Cthulhu back”? Except the entire book is based on the premise that he’s bringing Cthulhu back.

At the end for some reason all the female crew members with Slithereens in them are dumb as a bucket of water, transfixed by light and sparkly objects, but the men are able to think and problem solve. There is no reason for this and no justification for it in the text. I’m left to assume it’s the author’s misogyny coming through.

Note: Are you reading the book I wrote? Misogyny? Ryker gets filled with rage. The MALE warden is also transfixed by the light and everyone else in the scene (apart from Jared) are female. You fuck-knuckle.

All in all, this story is not ready for publication (Personal opinion). There are plot holes (2. They were fixed.), character inconsistencies ?????? and a complete lack of world building The story is set on a space ship, which I consider well thought-out and described. The author’s reliance on a prerequisite knowledge of Lovecraft’s work creates confusion even for the reader who does know the stories, but hasn’t read them recently. This reviewer is particularly disturbed by the lack of attribution to the original stories. This tale has nothing to do with the original stories. Use of characters only and one I created myself. Anyway, thank you for the review, heavily detailed and I apologise for the book ending up in the hands of a reviewer expecting a different type of story. You are right, maybe this should have been sent to a reviewer who enjoys supernatural tales set in space.

AIA Reviewers